Dealing with People

Listening

How well do you listen?

Levels of Communication

Questioning

Group Communications

Critical Examination

Influencing Styles

Influencing Power

Negotiating - Overview

Negotiating - Planning

Negotiating - Behaviours

Effective Presentations

Chairing Meetings

© Copyright 2007
Lindsay Sherwin

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Active Listening

But don't we all listen? Yes certainly but there are different types of listening, in particular:

• Normal Listening
  Here the listener is just listening to enjoy the story or argument being told - almost coasting. This is the listening we might use in a restaurant, bar, or meeting. The listener is joining in the conversation whilst sometimes half-listening, sometimes thinking about other topics, sometimes thinking about their own next comment.
• Competitive Listening
   Where the listener is more interested in promoting his or her point of view instead of considering the speaker’s thoughts. The listener listens, but also looks for breaks in the conversation to deliver their own point of view, perhaps even attacking any points they may not agree with.
• Active Listening
  Here the listener moves onto another level. Not just enjoying the story but actively working with the speaker to understand the speakers story, how the speaker feels, what they think, and actively showing their interest and understanding through their body language, questions, responses etc.

Active listening style is a very effective way to gain a deep understanding of the speakers knowledge, beliefs, thoughts and feelings. It is used widely by counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists in their daily work, and in consultancy work it is an invaluable skill. It focuses on two elements:

1. Creating an atmosphere that makes it easy for the speaker to talk about the topic and the issues concerned.
   The best atmosphere in terms of physical location/environment and lack of distractions, but in particular in the behaviour of you as the listener - a behaviour of listening that:
   • encourages them to talk
   • shows that you are paying attention
   • ensures that they realise that you are listening noting what they are saying
   • helps them to say what they want to say.
      
2. Using communication skills to steer and guide the conversation in the direction that you wish it to go, and providing the context and detail you need.
   This is achieved mainly through the following communication skills:

   Questions - obtaining information by the use of questions. Open Questions - What should we do to ...? Specific Questions - How much are we talking about? Closed Questions - Was she late? by asking closed questions to check assumptions - yours & theirs. Summarising - in order to check your understanding of what they have said. Supporting - encouraging communication by using supporting statements:- I see. And then? Listen and Paraphrase -  use Their Words to demonstrate that you were listening. (Perhaps using their words to form questions.) Main Points - identifying the main points they make & how they differ from yours. Facts V Opinion - distinguishing fact from opinion in the other person’s statements.

Tips for Active Listening

It really is all about self-discipline and the use of some very simple tactics. The following summarise the key points

1. First and foremost, stop talking!
   It is difficult to listen and speak at the same time.
    
2. Put the other person at ease.
   Give them space and time and “permission” to speak their piece. How we look at them, how we stand or sit, makes a huge difference. Relax, and let them relax as well.
   (see Body Listening below)
    
3. Show the other person that you want to hear them.
   Look at them. Nod when you can agree, ask them to explain further if you don’t understand. Listen to understand them and their words, rather than just for your turn.
    
4. Remove distractions.
   Good listening means being willing to turn off the TV, close a door, stop returning emails or reading your mail. Give the speaker your full attention, and let them know they are getting your full attention.
   (See Control Distractions below)
    
5. Empathize with the other person.
   Especially if they are telling you something personal or painful, or something you intensely disagree with, take a moment to stand in their shoes, to look at the situation from their point of view.
   (See Build Rapport below)
    
6. Be patient.
   Some people take longer to find the right word, to make a point or clarify an issue. Give the speaker time to get it all out before you jump in with your reply.
    
7. Watch your own emotions.
   If what they are saying creates an emotional response in you, be extra careful to listen carefully, with attention to the intent and full meaning of their words. When we are angry, frightened or upset, we often miss critical parts of what is being said to us.
   (See Control your Emotional Hot Buttons below)
    
8. Be very slow to disagree, criticize or argue.
   Even if you disagree, let them have their point of view. If you respond in a way that makes the other person defensive, even if you “win” the argument, you may lose something far more valuable.
    
9. Ask lots of questions.
   Ask the speaker to clarify, to say more, give an example, or explain further. It will help them speak more precisely and it will help you hear and understand them more accurately.
   (See Questioning on another page)
    
10. Stop Talking!
    This is both the first and the last point, because all other tools depend on it. Nature gave us two ears and only one tongue, which is a gentle hint that we should listen twice as much as we talk.